Hello and Hi to all those people, fans, friends out there!
This is secrets of my life. I know, I know so much people write this stuff and some of them are tragic, sad, happy, bloody, scary, etc....
Mine is.. well mine is mixed up. I never even told to anyone these secrets. I never wanted too... I just wanted to keep it inside. I always was the quiet one and try too help others. But for some reason I feel I can say it out now, and its up to you how you feel about it.Lets start at the very beginning.
I was born in May 6 1991, Hungary. Right now I'm 24 years old and live in London, United Kingdom. I have a nice little job and a lovely boyfriend. So I'm happy right now..... But this is not the beginning what you all want to hear or read.
When I was born I was a big (tall) baby, even now I'm 6 feet 1 (186 cm). So you can imagine.
I had a happy life and a happy family... Well... that's what I thought.
When I turn to 7 I have so many horrible dreams, my mind was going through so much stress that you can even imagine. For a 7 y/o thats not a normal thing to happen.... like come on your still a kid. For me.... It was normal.
Ever since I was 7, I was taking care about myself. Cooking, cleaning, washing, studied and the list go all the way end. My mother... lets just say had some problems, so she had to work from morning till late night.
Okay, I know you will go saying "You're Mother left you alone?! All day?! That horrible thing from a Mother!"
Well thanks guys but I know that!
It was back in that days and I never been alone. Form my age I was really clever and overdeveloped. I know what was right and what was bad.... And till this day I'm still am.
But sadly my life has turned and everything went blank... Some parts are still just getting clear today and its getting on me really badly.For a few examples....01:
I remember when I almost got raped by an older boy.... I kicked him and run away but still its inside me that I was a kid and he just "Wanted to play."02:
My mom had a lover who have some problems in head and once, my aunt said something.... And the guy snaps.... He wanted to kill her... so my mom was holding him back, and I grab my aunts hand. Locking my bedroom door.... I kitchen knife in my hand... and trying to hold back my fear... If everything goes wrong I can save her. (In this time I was 10 y/o)03:
I was bullied in Elementary school... but so badly that everyday I was scared to go, so I try to play that I'm sick. (If it was not for my best friend who I meet there. I would be insane for sure. Thank you
: I had to visit a Psychologist.... I was stressed out of everything, thats why, my mom decided to take me to one. They found out that... for my age (11-12) I have suicidal tendencies and they freaked out so they give me pills.... After a half a year my mother thrown out the pills.... She told me this after all dose years (2015)... "It was just not you... It was like you was a zombie.... It was like you didn't have a soul because of the pills.... I threw them out cuz' I wanted back my little girl.... even if you had these problems."
Of course my mom know what would happen. I still have the marks on my left... arm.05:
After the pills I started to see things. Things that people would not believe, and because of that I started to go insane.... My mind snapped and I started to have schizophrenic tendencies. Till now I still have them. Sometimes I act like a man and sometimes I go back to my girly form. So I went back to a Psychologist and one of them, told me that this is normal reaction to a person who never had a Father image and the Mother image was much more stronger.... I just say this is bullshit... I say I alway had them.... and it all because of the pills.
So sometimes that's why I draw my self down as a guy or doe gender swap. Actually I'm also working on arts like that but can't finish them yet.06:
I lost my first love.... I was 14, I know I was still young and naive, but I never feel this way... first time in the years I was happy and smiling. I enjoy life. But for 1 year..... One day... he was walking me home... It was night late night and where I lived there was no street lights. Someone attack us and I still can't remember why did it happened... still having the tiers in my eyes every time I think back. He was..... covered with blood..... I was next to him and he was just holding my hand that everything gonna be okay.... I past out.... After a 2 days I wake up and they told me that I was lucky... but he.... he.... (you know).
Ever since then we didn't talk about this with my mom... But I still see it on her.... that she's scared to lose me.
And ever since then I can't open up... I can't tell my feels to everyone.... I just hold it back.